Bells are in the Air~

Apparently, the ending of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 is filled with friends' weddings and engagements. To top it all of, 90% of them are younger than me! Yay for them! Boo for me!

Still, this does not (in any way) make me desperate to settle down. No way. No thank you. No.

Although, I just heard a good news. Someone close to me is actually planning on getting married end of next year. I hope it's because she's really ready and that she has a stable relationship for them to move on to the next step. I doubt it, but just for the sake of being positive, lets just be happy for them and wish them the best.

So, all the best!

As long as awak nak kahwin ni memang sebab awak tau it's time. Bukan sebab awak rasa it's time.  OK? ;)

I Wanna Hold You Till I Die

Heard this song on my way back tonight. I fell in love with it. Try not to focus on the shitty music video.



Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Are you guys related?

Is it just me or this Cee Lo Green guy sounds similar to the Al Green?

Present Mood = Content

Saya happy. Sungguh-sungguh saya happy sekarang... Saya tahu orang akan cakap "baru been through a difficult break up pun happy. Something is wrong here somewhere."

Well, dulik apa. Saya genuinely happy right now. Saya ada my circle of friends yang still sayang saya no matter what happens. Yang still perceive me smart even after saya buat blond jokes. Yang still akan be very honest to me even when they know it might hurt.

For those out there yang rasa saya sampah, welcome to an already existed club. For those yang sayang saya, I lobe you too. I mean, I love you too.

Lucky

This seems appropriate for this very moment.

There comes a time when all we need is a friend

Woman: Mind if I sit next to you?

Man: *smiles* No, of course not.

Woman: You're from around here? I'm new.

Man: Yep.

Woman: I'm staying here with my father. He's ill. We thought he could use some sea and sun.

Man: *nods*

Woman: It's very nice here.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Sometimes we forget God gave us such privileges and all we have to do is look and see. *brushes off sand from palm*

Man: *bents head*

Woman: We're having a small house-warming this evening. I'd be honored if you'd come. At least when strangers started asking me personal questions, I can run to a friend who apparently is very articulate. *smiles*

Man: *chuckles* I'd love to. Thank you.

Woman: Great! My house is over there. *points*

The woman walks away from the ocean and when she was far enough, the man stands up, looking at something shiny and heavy in his hand with guilt on his face. A tear drops, then a lot. When all is spent, he takes a deep breath and throws the gun into the water, gratified, knowing the woman has saved his life.

Can't we just stay in the moment?

I'm worried.
If we're not going to continue,
I'm worried about you.
Will you be OK?
I'm heartbroken.
For all the things
that we both have said
and all the issues
that have been spoken yet unresolved.
But most of all,
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
What do I do if we go on?
And if we don't, I don't know how to move on...

Have a little patience

Problems don't leave in a relationship. People do.
That's why we need to resolve issues.
Saying things that sound right does not make things right. In fact, that might make it worse.
So wait for the best time for both and talk things through.

I'm waiting for that time.

So... What now?

Saya bukan manusia yang sempurna. Saya tahu saya ada flaws. And lots of it. However, one thing I can do is read people. Though not that well, I think I can read them well enough. When I can't read people, I get nervous, because I know that something is wrong somewhere or something is unsaid.

Right now, or for these past few months, I can't read you. Saya dah cuba. Tapi still tak boleh... I justify for you, I explained you to my conscious. Yet I still can't figure you out. I used to be able to but not anymore... And I'm worried. But mostly, I'm scared...

I don't know what to think now. After all we've talked about, I still find that nothing was resolved. That things would still be as it is... I'm sorry I make you jealous. I can't push my friends away. I'm sorry I make you feel insecure. I have tried changing that yet it stays the same. I'm sorry I make you loving me a difficulty. I can't change how I look.

Saya sayang awak. Everybody knows that. But I'm not so sure anymore that mere love can help us now.

I know this might seem irrelevant but when I read this, I understand what he was trying to say... The interview itself was immature but the content of the conversation is relatable - to me anyways.
David Arquette - Why Courteney Cox and I Split

You Against The World

Ya Rabbi. Kenapa ada manusia yang tak faham dia tu tak boleh membimbing? Kenapa kamu rasa semua benda perlu jadi complicated? Why the heck would you want to do that? What do you get from that? Please do tell me. In case I'm being difficult and sub-consciously refusing to understand you.

Esok lusa jangan jadi macam ni sudah.

Self-Control

Ladies,

Whatever comes our way, our best defense is always our poise. When you lose your calmness and end up being bitchy to others, that's just so wrong. Aku faham masa tu kamu tengah stressed out because of a possible loss of a family member. I have lost my father, and that happened when I was just 11. You can say I did not fully understand what happened since I was so young. Wrong. I had complete awareness of what was going to come. That was why I was so depressed. Yet, I did not take it out on almost strangers, I still talked to people in a way that will make them believe I was OK and I was being brave.

If you had just cried, I'd understand and pity you. But to say "Fikirlah sendiri, fikir, fikir. Ada otak kan? Fikirlah sendiri"... I'm sorry, but that is just too wrong.

This goes to the guys as well. Cool guys are labeled cool because they are cool. They know they are not supposed to lose their composure.

I am still a nobody to you. It's good that you see me as something more. But even families don't do that to each other, kan?

I know I'm not practicing this right at this moment, but frankly, I don't care. I need to vent this out.

Hope all goes well with you and your family. Hope whatever happens, you'll stay strong and hold on for the sake of others.

Mama Saya

Disebabkan rasa macam dah lama tak jumpa mama, saya rindu sangat dengan dia.
Tapi sementara tu, meh kita cerita some of my most memorable moments with her.
Before that, do note that when she's uber tired, she'll respond to questions in total random mode.

First example:
I was studying for my UPSR (Science Paper) quite late at night and my mom (despite how tired she was) decided to teman me study. It was going pretty well for a while until I came across one question about batteries (you guys remember kita kena belajar anod katod tu kan) and I did not understand one part of it (which part, I can't remember).
So anyways, I asked my mama a question "Ma, kenapa bateri ni macam ni?"
And my mom (who was already closing her eyes at that moment) answered ever so fluidly - "Sebab ramai orang dalam tu."

Yes ladies and gentlemen, dalam batteries we have actual people. And lots of them. Aleh2, dengan pasrahnya I said, "Jom ma, tidur." -_-
But this story is our favorite among others. And we love her for these. ;D

Second example:
A short one. I was looking for something (with my kepala lutut as always instead of my eyes) and I asked Mama where it was. She (tired and all) answered while pointing to lets say south "Tu atas meja tu."
The direction she was pointing at had NO table. So I asked again (again - mata kat kepala lutut) "Meja mana?"
She answered "Yang kat situ" while pointing NORTH - the real table. Not the imaginary one.
The best part? Dia tak sedar pun dia tunjuk two completely different directions.

These are the reasons why we (the children) call her makcik comel.

 This photo was taken the last Raya all of us had with arwah Ibu (Mama's best friend and our second mother). Yes, that dorky creature is my brother.

Love you Mama. Miss you!

I am...

COMMITMENT PHOBIC.

Yes ladies and gentlemen. The ever so faithful me is real but it comes with a defect - I am afraid of commitment. I am not talking about boyfriends and girlfriends. I think I can go on with my life being just girlfriends and boyfriends. I'm talking about the thought of getting engaged and married to one person. What if it's a mistake? I seriously doubt that he's wrong for me. I just think that I might be wrong for him. I mean, almost all my previous relationships ended badly (mostly because of a third person - not from my side, mind you) and when it comes to committing to one person, I get freaked out if one day he realizes "She was a mistake".

One thing I don't ever want to be is a Mistake. Like a grammatical error, or when you wore your favorite stilettos the day there were puddles everywhere. When you're thinking "I shouldn't have done this", it hurts. Especially on the other end of the relationship.

When the time comes, perhaps I'll be ready. But sadly, my dear, that time is not now...

Kudos to those who are committed cause you guys have balls! I don't.

Cheer for change. And hopefully soon.

Hassle within the Castle

Saya tak nak all these hassle, ok..? I believe everything will fall into its place when the time comes. So no rushing, no advising, no nothing. We'll talk and be mature. We'll figure things out when things want to be figured out.

I know whatever I say will make me the bad guy here. So I'm opting to not say anything. I'm opting to just let things flow.

Whatever it is, I know those huge elephants won't loom around for so long. We'll be happy again. I believe in that. So when the time comes, we'll know what to do, ok manja i?

I miss you. If I have the money, I'd go there and talk to you face to face. You know I would.

Moonriver

The moon is especially bright today. So bright that she could seep through the heavy cloud hanging about her. Hope that is saying something. I always believe that God communicates to us in subtle and symbolic ways. Hope tonight's moon is giving me strength for His tests for me.

Moonriver - The King himself, Mr. Sinatra

What do you want from me?

I am trying my best to understand you. I am. But you're giving me mixed signals and signs and you're saying that you want to work things out but at the same time you're pushing me away. What is that all about?

What exactly do you want me to do? If you can't agree with how I live my life, then just say it. Don't say that you're cool with it when you're acting the opposite. This much I know. I'm faithful to you. I'm staying right by your side. But doing these things will just complicate the whole situation and in the end, everybody is going to get hurt.

Be honest. That's all I'm asking now. But I know even that might be asking too much from you right now.

When You Love Me

I doubt that many will understand what I'm trying to say. I doubt many would even try. I doubt my own boyfriend would agree with me. But all in all, I doubt the future.

How does one makes a decision with such confidence and almost no effort? I can't. I am a realist. I have always been one. I grew up in a house filled with reality of life, thus, I am always filled with the uncertainty of what will happen in the future. One thing I believe in - Mortality. Death comes to all things. With such belief, I have embraced it so well that some might even call me morbid. Though most might not accept this, I respect Death as much as (if not more) than Life. With such respect, I understand him on a personal level, in which I can almost always predict if he is coming to visit anytime soon.

I am not talking about Death of people. I am talking about Death and every other thing surrounding us - like the end of a season, quitting a job, or even a break-up. I know so well that we can never predict the future and I understand when people say if we are afraid of the future, then we will never move forward. My question is this - We make decisions on the account of whom? How do people decide on such a significant part of their life because of what people think, what their beloved want, or what is expected by the society?

I had not had the privilege of being in an understanding, tolerant and mature  relationship. I am certain that I now am in one that is good for me and my future as a wife. However, to make a plan just because of insecurities or to glue the connection together since it feels like everything is falling apart is not a good enough reason. Now for me anyways.

Being here, where I am older of 4 years, makes me want to wait more. Yes, it might be because I am not ready, but it is also because I want him to see the world, to get to know it the way I did and to make the decision when he has gone through everything and realized "This is the person I want to get married to."

Love is simple if you want to make it simple. Maintaining the relationship is hard. I am trying too but I just don't think tying the knot is going to help.

You know I love you.

Foreshadow

Yesterday, I went by the office to say goodbye to my close friends as I was leaving for my hometown. While saying goodbye and wishing them a good Raya, I can't help thinking that it was sad. The whole thing was sad. Somehow, it felt like this year would be the last Raya all of us would be together in the same office. Why? I don't know. Call it gut feeling. Call it an intuition. Call it silly. It felt that way and I could still feel the lingering effect of it now.

I might have taken people I'm working with for granted, might have thought that we'd still be OK if any of us moved away. Yet, with this Raya, it became too overwhelming for me that it took most if not all of my strength not to cry in the office or when I received messages from them.

So for this Raya, I'd just like to say one thing. Gratitude. It's something not well-practiced today; at least not from my part. My resolution starting from this Eid would be to be thankful of everyone. Even those you feel are insignificant would have touched you in certain ways. Even if you don't notice those touches. They are a part of you. Like you all are to me.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone. Be safe.

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Hate This

I seriously hate it when you feel like something is wrong, or something is going to go wrong, and you've tried your very best to figure out what it's all about but you end up being more disappointed with yourself because you can't seem to find out what's causing this.

I really, really, really need a break for me to sit, breathe and relax before I think carefully what is so wrong about my life right now. You know that feeling that you get right before you do something bad? Or when you are about to get busted doing something you're not suppose to? Or that fraction on second when an accident is about to happen? I've been having that since a couple of days ago and I'm hating every minute of it.

Dear God, give me my peace of mind, and let my shoulders be weightless for the moment...

Words

If words can be sharp, it means they can also be blunt. 

 

So either way, words are hurtful.

Cool isn't So Cool

I've somewhat noticed that sometimes people try to act cool and collected in front of their friends, try so hard to convince people around them they don't need help to survive emotionally, and try to be as mature as they can be.

That actually is good, but only up to one extent. For example, I have a friend who does not want to ask for help even when she has to because she does not want to be a burden. We (the VERY caring friends) will somehow be very worried and in the end annoyed because we want to help and yet, were not permitted to. Sayings like "my mom tak ajar I untuk menyusahkan orang" doesn't really apply when you're really close friends, especially when you're about to do something difficult.

I've thought about this for a while, and then I remembered - I was trying SO hard to act all OK and whatnot when my Father passed away. I remembered my friends and teachers keep on telling me "it's going to be OK" and asking me am I OK. And all I could think of to answer was "yeah".

I wasn't going to let people know I was unbelievably sad and hurt. I wanted them to think I was OK with the situation. I wanted people to NOT worry about me. In the end, it didn't help. I wasn't able to vent out my feelings and I became very reserved. People were there to help but I didn't want any and that affected me in a bad way.

So yes I think being very independent in good, but there's a limit to everything. When you know you need help, do seek some and don't push away any support handed to you. It's always nice to have someone there, even if they are just there to listen. At the end of the day, it makes you less miserable and me less worried.

Want vs Need

 Yes, some things in life I merely want but don't need.

Reality check:: You don't always get what you want. No matter how hurtful it can be.

Opening of Gravy Baby, Seri Kembangan on 7th March 2010

With it's clean-cut-yet-homey interior, it feels like stepping into a housewarming party instead of a restaurant opening. With families and friends gathering around (even strangers became friends afterwards), you'd feel at home and at ease; especially with it's old-school-folks' songs (you know, like keroncong) playing at the background. Little kids were running around because of the spacious land they have (it's a corner lot), youngsters were enjoying the live shows and the more senior family members would lounge around at the sofas equipped with comfy cushions.

The western food was good, and the friendly service topped it all off with a cherry on top. With the pretty lighting that is sufficient (perhaps could be dimmed a bit as Syafiq suggested), people can opt to sit inside or out (both are great). The kitchen was located at the back with no door to connect the dining place with it so no worries about being seated at tables too near to the kitchen (happens so often) and ending up getting rushed to the hospital for asthma attack.

Half-way through the night, it was pouring quite heavily for a bit but me being the quintessential optimist believes wholeheartedly that it symbolizes the abundant rezeki for the food haven. (cepat! aminkan!) ;)

All in all, last night went so well and we all hope for the best for our friends and Gravy Baby.

p/s: Untuk si cantik (yes, you fynn jamal), wish you were there last night...


Gravy Baby! Facebook Page

Here's a question for all of you...

"How low would you stoop for you to seem high?"

      First of all, I don't didn't believe in 'pengipas' or 'penyapu' (whichever suits you). However, since my friends and I have started working, we've been hearing (and troubled by) a lot of these cases. OK, before you say 'I do not!!!', let me make this clear. It's completely different if you do that yet you do your job and well at it. That's still forgivable. I'm talking about those who would worship the air the higher posts breathe in and kiss the very ground they step on.

     Yes, we do smile so often at our bosses, have meaningless chats and try our best to look diligent; but to what extent would you reach to be the best among the best? The worst part is, those worshiped would actually lavish in the spotlight and pedestal being put on. Saying things like 'In here, I can only see one person who is willing to go the extra mile to be promoted. The rest are without goals and focus in life!'. What the heck was that? Yes, he has a focus. His focus is on your butt.

     I don't mind these a** kissers that much but I do wish that they'd see they are annoying tahap gaban (sorry, couldn't find the English words for it). I think I'll respect these people more if they're successful in life because they deserve it. Last time I checked, a** kissing wasn't in the responsibilities list of any Letter of Appointment.

Rude is not just a word

I'm pretty sure we were all taught to be polite ever since we were kids. Taught to say please and thank you, or at least know how to ask for something nicely. I don't know who to blame when I see those who are not used to good manners. Or are familiar with the word but cease to understand it. Should it be the parents whom we say are at fault? If they are still kids, yes I think so. But a grown-up? That's just sooooo wrong...

I have heard when some people have power, they automatically find others unworthy of their effort to be nice but had not seen it in real life until now. We are equal creatures of God. What makes some think that they are simply above others? Money? It doesn't buy you manners it seems. Position? In what? Your career? What about your position among your friends? I doubt they find you friendly anymore. Seriously, being a friend and being friendly come hand in hand. Why do you think they call it friendly in the first place?

Yes, I'm bitter. I've had enough with these people ordering and commanding you instead of asking you nicely to help them. What is so wrong with a little please and some of thank yous?

Surprised? Me too.

I sometimes can surprise myself on various situations. Example for today: I can withstand certain people's attitude really well for a really long time.

When I think about it, I am patient. Maybe not always, but now I guess I'm more of a 'layankan je' person. People can step you right on your 'ubun-ubun', right after they roll their eyes at you, before they put you down with their words and just when you think it's going to be over soon, they grab you by the neck and say "you've hurt me". Through all these 'ordeals' on these people, I'd still stop and think, "well, maybe they misunderstood the situation" or "they had a rough day today" or "I am stOOpider than them so of course I'm the one at blame here". Yet, they see it as something that is beckoning to them, a big, flashy sign that says - "Degrade me more!" with a smiley face at the end of the phrase.

I can be mean. I choose not to. I can be forgiving. But not all the time. I can be inexorable to these conditions. But with these people being intransigent to oppose change in one-self, I might not have a choice but cry.

I guess what you have in life does not compensate for what you lack in character. Because frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Friends are like....

Movies.

When you watch a movie 100 times and it's still good. Like Jurassic Park the first. That is your best friend.

When you watch a movie and we say that it's so great, you are going to watch it again soon. Like Avatar. Or Sherlock Holmes. All those blockbusters. That is your really-really good friend.

When you watch a movie and say that it's good but there were a few scenes you'd prefer to be better, BUT is still good. Like Stargate. That is your good friend.

When you watch a movie and say that it's ok.Nothing bad about it but it was just.... ok. Like Space Chimps. That is the person that you know is ok, but is not your cup of tea as far as a friend goes.

When you watch a movie and it was just bad. Like Jennifer's Body. I mean, you're glad you watched it because you know you can either a) make fun of it or b) tell other people it's a bad movie, don't watch it, or c) at least you know first hand that it's bad. Now that is your acquaintance that you do not ever want to befriend with.

You'd still have those movies that you thought sucked big time when you watched it the first time but you bought the DVD and tried it again and it turns out to be good. And those that we find unbelievably good 5 years ago and felt abashed when we watched it again last night while thinking "This was what I thought good???"

So yeah, to me, friends are like movies. You have great ones, good ones and sucky ones. ;)

Not to boast but...

I'm not a great philosopher of love and relationships but this I can tell. Love does need rules. To make things work, you have to know what you should and shouldn't do. I have had my share of relationships (not saying whether they are good or bad cause to me, that's quite subjective) and I think those who think relationships are merely happiness and fun are those who do not know the depth of commitment you're in.

I have loved and lost in the past and I know what I've done wrong and what I think I've done right. Self-sacrificial is in fact a way for us to show our significant other that we are not selfish. That we can give other things up for the one we love.

I'm not talking about 24/7 lock-down, or a complete change of one-self. Commitments are not about that at all. It's about knowing your responsibilities as a boyfriend/ a wife/ a son / etc and owning up to them. It's about the thought of texting him to tell you've arrived at work. It's about the mere 'sorry' you say when you've done something wrong and NOT elaborate it into excuses that would make things worse.

I love my boyfriend. But I understand that he is not ready for this. So this is MY commitment of waiting for the moment he'll finally be able to see what this is all about. And I know that day would come and I'll find it worth all the while waiting.

So here's to those with the patience I hope I can carry.

Lets Talk About.... Food

and Love...

I haven't seen my Dad's family for more than 10 years now and then suddenly, yesterday, they came for Kakak's engagement. You can imagine the tears, laughter, stories, and then more tears and laughter. We talked for ages and then we went for the early Chinese dinner to Sabak Awor. Food has always been that medium of bringing families together. Take Chinese New Year. We have our traditional Makan Besar. Or Hari Raya, we have the familiar scent of ketupat, rendang and kuah lodeh with the sounds of sobs and sorrys in the background.

Families are not supposed to be divided and torn apart by distance and time, even after the death of that one soul who connected the two families in the first place. Like my Malay grandmother said - "Tak kisah la. Itu kan keluarga. Walaupun ugama kita lain. Mak Tok dulu pun tak kisah orang nak mengata mama awak kahwin dengan Cina. Tengok - keluarga baik."

It's so good to see my Uncle Leong, Aunt Patsy, Adeline, Yu Meng and the nicest Grandma ever. How they would hug you like you're something they can't let go. That feeling's mutual.

So here's to my Kakak whom is now someone's fiancee. To my late father's brother and family. To my mother who cried today for various reasons. To my brother who spoke more today than he would in a whole year. To me who see the look in everybody's eyes that says - "This is a good beginning of a new relationship as well as a forgotten one."

People, those who are gone live in the memories of us who stay.

It's 2010 People! And yet it feels the same...

So, I'm just going to say a few rounds of thanks and appreciation of what I have in life and not dwell on what I don't have.

I'm thankful that I have a boyfriend who is very patient with me. Very.

I'm thankful for the family I have. My Mom who is the greatest mom on earth. Who would do anything for their children but still would let me hold the steering wheel of my own life.

I'm thankful for my friends. Who have seen the worst of me and yet would still let me be part of their lives. This is for you especially, Najwa Hani. You are a strong character that I look up to. Always will be.

I'm thankful for my life, my work (at least I have one, right?).

Some might not have that responsible brother, or the understanding mother, or the matured older sister, or even the right partner. But we all have something that others do not have. So lets just be grateful for what we have been given. And most of the time, we didn't even ask for it. Yet, we receive it. It would be my utmost honor to say I give my thanks everyday, but I humbly profess I don't. And that is something we all should not let slip from our minds.

So here's to what we have, and to un-dwell on what we don't. Thank you, God.