Hassle within the Castle

Saya tak nak all these hassle, ok..? I believe everything will fall into its place when the time comes. So no rushing, no advising, no nothing. We'll talk and be mature. We'll figure things out when things want to be figured out.

I know whatever I say will make me the bad guy here. So I'm opting to not say anything. I'm opting to just let things flow.

Whatever it is, I know those huge elephants won't loom around for so long. We'll be happy again. I believe in that. So when the time comes, we'll know what to do, ok manja i?

I miss you. If I have the money, I'd go there and talk to you face to face. You know I would.

Moonriver

The moon is especially bright today. So bright that she could seep through the heavy cloud hanging about her. Hope that is saying something. I always believe that God communicates to us in subtle and symbolic ways. Hope tonight's moon is giving me strength for His tests for me.

Moonriver - The King himself, Mr. Sinatra

What do you want from me?

I am trying my best to understand you. I am. But you're giving me mixed signals and signs and you're saying that you want to work things out but at the same time you're pushing me away. What is that all about?

What exactly do you want me to do? If you can't agree with how I live my life, then just say it. Don't say that you're cool with it when you're acting the opposite. This much I know. I'm faithful to you. I'm staying right by your side. But doing these things will just complicate the whole situation and in the end, everybody is going to get hurt.

Be honest. That's all I'm asking now. But I know even that might be asking too much from you right now.

When You Love Me

I doubt that many will understand what I'm trying to say. I doubt many would even try. I doubt my own boyfriend would agree with me. But all in all, I doubt the future.

How does one makes a decision with such confidence and almost no effort? I can't. I am a realist. I have always been one. I grew up in a house filled with reality of life, thus, I am always filled with the uncertainty of what will happen in the future. One thing I believe in - Mortality. Death comes to all things. With such belief, I have embraced it so well that some might even call me morbid. Though most might not accept this, I respect Death as much as (if not more) than Life. With such respect, I understand him on a personal level, in which I can almost always predict if he is coming to visit anytime soon.

I am not talking about Death of people. I am talking about Death and every other thing surrounding us - like the end of a season, quitting a job, or even a break-up. I know so well that we can never predict the future and I understand when people say if we are afraid of the future, then we will never move forward. My question is this - We make decisions on the account of whom? How do people decide on such a significant part of their life because of what people think, what their beloved want, or what is expected by the society?

I had not had the privilege of being in an understanding, tolerant and mature  relationship. I am certain that I now am in one that is good for me and my future as a wife. However, to make a plan just because of insecurities or to glue the connection together since it feels like everything is falling apart is not a good enough reason. Now for me anyways.

Being here, where I am older of 4 years, makes me want to wait more. Yes, it might be because I am not ready, but it is also because I want him to see the world, to get to know it the way I did and to make the decision when he has gone through everything and realized "This is the person I want to get married to."

Love is simple if you want to make it simple. Maintaining the relationship is hard. I am trying too but I just don't think tying the knot is going to help.

You know I love you.

Foreshadow

Yesterday, I went by the office to say goodbye to my close friends as I was leaving for my hometown. While saying goodbye and wishing them a good Raya, I can't help thinking that it was sad. The whole thing was sad. Somehow, it felt like this year would be the last Raya all of us would be together in the same office. Why? I don't know. Call it gut feeling. Call it an intuition. Call it silly. It felt that way and I could still feel the lingering effect of it now.

I might have taken people I'm working with for granted, might have thought that we'd still be OK if any of us moved away. Yet, with this Raya, it became too overwhelming for me that it took most if not all of my strength not to cry in the office or when I received messages from them.

So for this Raya, I'd just like to say one thing. Gratitude. It's something not well-practiced today; at least not from my part. My resolution starting from this Eid would be to be thankful of everyone. Even those you feel are insignificant would have touched you in certain ways. Even if you don't notice those touches. They are a part of you. Like you all are to me.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone. Be safe.