When You Love Me

I doubt that many will understand what I'm trying to say. I doubt many would even try. I doubt my own boyfriend would agree with me. But all in all, I doubt the future.

How does one makes a decision with such confidence and almost no effort? I can't. I am a realist. I have always been one. I grew up in a house filled with reality of life, thus, I am always filled with the uncertainty of what will happen in the future. One thing I believe in - Mortality. Death comes to all things. With such belief, I have embraced it so well that some might even call me morbid. Though most might not accept this, I respect Death as much as (if not more) than Life. With such respect, I understand him on a personal level, in which I can almost always predict if he is coming to visit anytime soon.

I am not talking about Death of people. I am talking about Death and every other thing surrounding us - like the end of a season, quitting a job, or even a break-up. I know so well that we can never predict the future and I understand when people say if we are afraid of the future, then we will never move forward. My question is this - We make decisions on the account of whom? How do people decide on such a significant part of their life because of what people think, what their beloved want, or what is expected by the society?

I had not had the privilege of being in an understanding, tolerant and mature  relationship. I am certain that I now am in one that is good for me and my future as a wife. However, to make a plan just because of insecurities or to glue the connection together since it feels like everything is falling apart is not a good enough reason. Now for me anyways.

Being here, where I am older of 4 years, makes me want to wait more. Yes, it might be because I am not ready, but it is also because I want him to see the world, to get to know it the way I did and to make the decision when he has gone through everything and realized "This is the person I want to get married to."

Love is simple if you want to make it simple. Maintaining the relationship is hard. I am trying too but I just don't think tying the knot is going to help.

You know I love you.