Am I In Denial?

I don't know if anyone in my family has noticed this. But I just did. A couple of nights ago my great-grandmother passed away. When everything was done and it was time for the burial, I couldn't go. I mean - I was there when they carried her into the van, I was there to recite Al-Fatihah for each step taken, but I couldn't go with the rest of them afterwards.

And then only I realized. I didn't go either for my grandfather's burial. For Arwah Ibu. For my cousin. My grandfather from my late dad's side was cremated so I was OK with waiting with the family during the cremation.

I couldn't. It's not that I couldn't accept their deaths. But it's just that I know I'd be devastated and to show that utmost sadness to those who left is not good. So I guess, subconsciously, I chose not to go.

I know I have to be stronger than that but I think it'll take time. To admit that something is wrong with you is the first step, right? Guess I just need to go through some more steps for me to be OK with it.